adjusting the volume

One of the reasons I came to Japan was to get away from the NOISE...the general gossip, the ugliness and insensitivity in people's tones, the general harshness I often heard (not necessarily directed towards me) at my previous school, the intrusive sex/drugs/violence in the music, the constant barrage of ads incessantly trying to seduce me to buy this or that.
I just wanted a break.
I wanted quiet...
...so maybe I could...
THINK.
I've had a lot to deal with this past year and a half with losing Mom, and feeling like I've lost home.
And here I have the peace and quiet to sort this all out. Maybe I can also find this in the States again, but for now, even though life is often very difficult on account of the language and cultural barriers, for now, it's had a kind of calming effect.

I sometimes scream and wail
(mostly on the inside - but doesn't that just echo even louder?
don't those reverberations from the inside out only serve to shatter me more severely?)
AND YET
the SILENCE - the mind-numbing-defeaning SILENCE of this place stands in stolid defiance, completely unaffected by me.

It mocks me.

Or...
maybe
it is just patiently waiting